Every year since last year I set a theme for myself. It’s a way to harness the typical New Year’s Resolution energy into something that is actually likely to help me out, rather than depress me after I fail in two weeks. A theme is there to help inform my everyday decisions, and reflect upon my broader trends, to slowly nudge myself in a direction I find important, rather than a simple pass-fail goal like meditating every day or losing 20lbs. It can even adapt to new circumstances, which, you know… is relevant.

Last year was my Year of Focus. I pointedly found myself rather unfocused going into 2020, and early on found actually myself pulled into even more directions than I ever had before. All at once I was working two jobs, editing and contributing to a book, building a gym habit, and beginning a new relationship. All that spilled into, wouldn’t you know it, the pandemic. Burnout ensued, and combined with the complete destabilization of my routine, resulted in a mental health crash and severe contraction into my own little depressed bubble.

However, I ended up having some of the best personal development of my life last year. My typical coping mechanism of paying-other-people-to-talk-to-me actually paid off, in the form of a fantastic new therapist and some psychiatric assistance. This helped me actually find things to focus on, realize my values, and build a framework for actually achieving that focus. I took a “mental health month” in October that almost immediately resulted in a clarity I hadn’t felt all year. With all the shit that came out of the year, it has also helped me realize what is important, and given me a set of tools to actually focus and achieve my goals.

All that said, looking at 2021, focus is still something that I wanted to work on. I still think that I am too susceptible to instant gratification, and when I’m in that mode I don’t even recognize myself in my behaviors or thoughts. One phrase I ended up finding and obsessing over last year was “living with intention”; to spend my time doing what I actually want to do, rather than get sucked into things that are pleasurable but not satisfying. So that’s my new theme: The Year of Intention.

It’s a subtle difference from last year, and I’m still discovering the meaning in it. More practically, my immediate goals with this are to start spending my time on things that I enjoy in a broader satisfying sense, rather than giving into the everyday cravings for junk, be it in the form of food (fast), information (Twitter/News), approval (Instagram/Dating apps), or distraction (video games). I don’t intend to cut those things out of my life entirely, as there are parts in each that I genuinely find benefit and fulfillment in, but those too easily engage the parts of my dumb brain and turn me into a drone rather than a pilot.

What are my new intentions? Well, of course, here I’m still pretty basic.

All of this is in service to, and dependent on, mindfulness. Modern life, with its eradication of boredom and abundance of pleasures, is fundamentally incongruent with a happy fulfilling life. We’ve optimized for our base needs so much that we become addicted to information, entertainment, and eating. Addiction is by definition a lack of control, and I’ve recognized that in myself more the past year than ever before. I believe that being mindful and intentional with more of my life will ultimately help me wrest control back from my monkey brain, as often as I can, and free me to chase my values.